Something all Cancer patients will tell you is that scans bring about huge anxiety, from the moment you get that scan date you start worrying. Has anything new popped up, is there spread, will I get good or bad news. Scan day is always a big deal, even though we get nothing in the way of news on the day, not even a thumbs up or down from the radiology staff! Then the waiting starts, some of us are lucky and get results within a few days, others have to wait three weeks or more all the time stressing about what the doctors know about our bodies.
Nothing we do will affect the results, worrying is not going to change anything, and even though we know that rationally we just cannot stop ourselves stressing.
I had my latest scan three days ago on Saturday, and today I got the results, my previous scan was clear because I had just had surgery to remove all the Cancer in my lungs. It has been four months since then, so the wait even though relatively short has been quite stressful, wondering if anything new has appeared. After a restless night, today I was told there was no evidence of disease on my latest scan, the best words I could hear or read.
Am I overjoyed? Well, yes and no. Of course, I am happy to be clear, but there is always that nagging in the back of my mind that I was told I am incurable, and the Cancer is expected to come back. You know I am stage four, they think the disease is systemic, treatment is palliative rather than curative all that stuff is always there to remind me that good news is only temporary.
On top of all the doom and gloom stuff I cannot shift from my brain, on a day when I get good news, I am very aware of friends both in real life and online who have recently had bad news or are waiting for news and I find it very hard to be sharing my good news. While I know everyone will be happy for me regardless of their own situation, and I know that being Cancer free right now is very likely to be only temporary, I guess I feel a bit guilty about my current good luck.
Will I be celebrating? Sort of, bubbly does not really go too well with chemo, yes I am still on chemo! That is another reason I cannot quite get my head around the idea of jumping for joy, I am still very much in treatment for Cancer. I might have an extra bar of chocolate and stuff the calories though!
For now its good news for me, I can get on with living for another few months before the scanxiety starts again……! I need to learn to focus on that and enjoy the moment.
So woohoo, yesssss, woop woop………